A Week Late and A Steri-Strip Short

I really did have a walker.

Today makes 2 weeks since I had surgery. It's been a tough two weeks. I had a walker which was a pain in the rear, literally and figuratively. Mentally, everything has kind of rollercoastered. It's not so much that I'm still upset that I tore it. I've gotten over that. It's the fact that I reclassed as a junior to get a second chance with basketball and I had dreams of what I wanted to do and now I can't do them. No, I'm not saying I can't ever do them again, I just can't do them until February or March which is a huge bummer.

Today, Monday, was pretty tough. I still lean on my mom for some things, but now she's expecting me to be a little more independent. It's frustrating for me, I guess because I got used to her helping me. But that's how life goes. No one is going to help me all the time and I've learned that over the course of growing up. My leg still hurts. Yes, 2 weeks later, it still hurts. Not like, cry in pain hurt, but annoying enough to where Ibuprofen was definitely needed. I visited with a teammate of mine who tore her labrum and had surgery Thursday. The post player and the best defensive player on the team both hurt before their senior seasons.... who would have thought?

Today has gotten me thinking about all the goals I had. I wanted to be my Conference Player of The Year, I wanted to get my knees and ankles stronger, and funnily enough, I looked forward to when my coach yelled, "Seminole Break!" It's a hard drill, but now that I can't play anymore, I miss the rigorous practices and games we'd have. I miss being able to run. I miss being able to walk normally.

My gait isn't quite there yet. Yes, I know it'll take time, but I still have a right to complain about it. I know there are people out there who have lost limbs, etc, but just because people have it worse than I do doesn't invalidate my feelings about my injury. Just wanted to let y'all know. Moving on, for an accurate representation of my life right now, I made cookies, got up to put them on the table and dropped the entire plate. In. The. Floor. Yes, you read that right. That's how my life is going right now.

I'm nervous about physical therapy and I'm scared to death about hurting my knee again. I guess anyone who gets hurt is always scared of doing it again but there are those who go back at it fearlessly. It's easy to act as if I have full confidence in my left leg, but I don't. Of course, that's understandable, but I'm not afraid to admit that even though people say I'm young and will heal, this was a life-altering injury for me. In a split second, my chances of playing college basketball at the level I wanted were cut in half. Yes, I'll play college basketball, but it still hurts. Yes, I'll heal, but it still hurts. It hurts that I don't get to play my senior year. Yes, I have college, but I had goals for this year. I wanted to be there for my team. My leg let me down and I feel like I've let my team down.

Having an ACL injury is more mental than it is physical. My leg will heal. My heart and mind will take a little longer. For a while, I would tell my mom, "My knee doesn't hurt. My heart hurts, mommy." And I'd start to cry and it was a daily struggle to get out of bed. I still struggle sometimes and then I smell coffee and it makes it a little easier.

If your knee hurts or your heart hurts, I'm always here.

Happy Healing,
Alyssa