Stranger Things : ACL edition

Hey guys, so... a lot has happened since October 26th! Physical therapy is getting better, my leg doesn't swell as much anymore, and I got my brace off. I'm not fully cleared, no, I just got the preliminary brace off. When I start jogging I'll have to have another brace probably and even when/if I get to play again in 2017. Today is senior picture day for basketball and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. It's the second to last time I get to put on my jersey, the last time being senior night on February 10, 2017. That feels weird to type. I never imagined that I'd spend my senior season on the sidelines and get excited about putting on my uniform to take pictures. I haven't worn my basketball shoes since I've gotten hurt, they still stink as much as they did when I was playing.

November 2, 2016 featuring a huge smile
because I got my brace off.

It hit me on Wednesday that I wouldn't actually get to play this season. I had been hopeful and optimistic, of course, but the reality of it is, February 26, 2017 is 5 months post-op and most people don't get cleared until the 6+ month mark. November 26th will mark 3 months I haven't worked out and I hate it. Yes, physical therapy gets me out of breath sometimes, but I haven't broken a sweat in almost 3 months. I want nothing more than to be able to work out again. I know it's coming and it'll be here quicker than I realize, but still. I'm youthfully impatient.

I had a huge cry session on Wednesday when I got home. I was a sobbing, blithering mess. Sitting in the living room with my mom, I let it all out. How much I was hurt and sad and how I didn't know how to handle everything. I didn't know how to not be a basketball player. I still don't know how. How I wanted more than anything for my coach to scream at me to get a rebound and run the floor or make a joke about a missed shot. How I missed setting screens and seeing my teammate shoot and make the shot. I miss everything. I get to watch practice everyday, so that helps a little bit. I miss it. I don't even know how to describe how much I miss it. Wednesday, it felt like everything I'd kept inside for the last 2 months came flooding out. My mom just sat there and listened as I cried and cried.

"You don't love anything else like you love basketball. That's why this is so hard."

She had managed to put into words what I hadn't. I've been able to pick up a basketball since I was 4 years old. It's the love of my life and it defines a really big part of me. I told her that I didn't know what to put all the time and energy I put into basketball into other than basketball. Of course my academics matter, but I'm talking about beside that. I'm still trying to figure it out. With basketball I felt like my life had purpose and passion and I was making a difference. Now, I just feel kind of lost. I know that this is just a bump in the road and there's more to life than basketball, but I still feel lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. That's never stopped me before, but I'm working on getting everything back together. With basketball, I fit in. There was structure and routine and camaraderie. That's all still there, but I don't feel as if I still have the structure and routine, like I said... I feel lost.

I have other hobbies that I enjoy. Reading, writing, taking pictures, baking, cooking, singing. I enjoy all those things, but I love basketball. Because no matter what was going on in my life, or how bad my day was, basketball took my mind off it and for 2 hours a day during the week and endless hours on the weekends, I got to do something that made my heart beat faster. I was happy. I'm still happy now, but it comes and goes.

"It could be worse. You could not have any legs at all."

I hate that. I hate when people say that. I understand that this situation could be worse, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel sad. By people saying that, it makes me feel bad for feeling the way I do. To put it in perspective:

Think of something you love doing more than anything in this world. What keeps you happy and sane?

Got it? Good.

Now imagine it being taken away from you. You can't do it for an extended period of time.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Exactly. I love that you're trying to get me to look on the bright side, and yes, there is a bright side, but this is still hard. Life altering, emotionally trying, pain in the butt hard. That's why I started this blog.

As I said in a previous post... some days I'm beaming with joy... and some days, I cry over soap and forgetting to turn the coffee pot on.

Until next week.
Happy Healing,
Alyssa